I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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