you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
