I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
