You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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