I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
