The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
