Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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