She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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