You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
What drink are we having for lunch?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
