Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
