a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
