Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I have feelings that need drinking.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
