Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
