Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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