so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
