don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
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