So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How does one acquire holy water?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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