Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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