The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
