I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
