Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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