I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you inspire me to be a worse person
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
