They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
