just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
