Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize