I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize