just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
