Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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