I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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