Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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