I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
