What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
a search helicopter?!
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
