when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
