I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You can't special order awesome
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
