And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
