I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
