the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
