I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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