This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
