I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The power of my boobs compel you
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
