I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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