I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
