somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize