Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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