wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
