The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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