Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize