All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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