I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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