non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
