The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
