Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize