Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
