life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
