I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
