Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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