32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
