Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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