I could make wine with my vomit
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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